Leave Land

Cleveland deserves everything it gets. LeBron James is a wise upstanding gentleman who has just become revered in my eyes not just as a martyr but as an instrument of justice and righteousness.

I almost skipped this city due to the fact that my trip has taken me through here twice, and never without frustration. I’m glad that I decided to make the trip because now I know that for the rest of my life if I ever feel that life has dealt me a bad blow, a raw deal, a short straw, I will be able to say to myself, “At least I’m not in Cleveland.”

The baseball stadium is a monument to unoriginality and fan-unfriendliness. In this toilet of a ball park, there is never less than three feet of concrete between the fan and the field. Unless you happen to be in one of the irritatingly distracting seats that is located behind the chicken wire behind home plate. The seats that put the fan, or personnel, or douche bag, at eye level with the umpire’s ass. It isn’t built with baseball or with fans in mind. It’s built to funnel money from this city’s hardworking douche bags into the pocket’s of this city’s lazy, unfeeling douchebags. Fuck you Cleveland. The best thing I can say about this stadium is that its bathrooms are clean. Check that. Were clean. I went on the floor just to give the midges another pool in which to reproduce.

I wish I could say that the fans deserve better than to have their talented team dismantled or disabled. But they don’t. They have one bad season, and there aren’t 10,000 people that will come to support them, or to even make fun of them. There are nine people that paid for $10 tickets and didn’t even bother to move to any of the 30,000 empty seats in front of them. I even heard one crosseyed cracker complain about all the stairs, and that was on the way down.

I once thought of the Indians as a storied franchise which deserved to be better than it currently is. Now I see that it has never been anything but a money grab, a franchise that sold off two Cy Young winners like it sold off the name of its ugly boring stadium like it sold its soul long ago. I think that the United States of America should give Cleveland to the actual Indians in a gesture of reparation. Native Americans should be given the entire city with the stipulation that they take their revenge and take out their frustrations on the city for defiling their good name and image for so long by forcing it to be associated with an embarrassing and apologetically insensitive baseball club for so many classless years. They would get their due while simultaneously destroying America’s most embarrassing city. The move would be a diplomatic win-win.